Returning to Wholeness Through Radical Self-Love

Wellness to me has always been intrinsically linked to wholeness; the two are inseparable. Which is why I've never fully felt Whole.

From early life experiences, growing up biracial in Sydney, without a mother and with a raging alcoholic father, I never felt white enough, brown enough, whole enough, good enough, sporty enough or ever safe enough to be whole. So in the absence of all these things I felt deeply incomplete and broken. Clearly, I'm not alone. The majority of us have been sold a lie of our unworthiness, with daily feelings of not-enoughness driving us and every decision and purchase we make.

How did we get to this on the level of collective consciousness? And how do we wake up out of it?

Our society confirms the Unworthiness for us with all the incessant media images we are bombarded with of hetero-normative, white skinny, able-bodied images of the ‘default body’ that seep into our psyche and conditions us for life. Therefore we try to consume our way into wellness and wholeness by purchasing whatever bullshit product will fill this hole, however temporarily.

Sonya Renee Taylor in The Body is Not an Apology describes this epidemic of not-enoughness, through self-loathing as Body Terrorism, which may sound extreme but actually IS the perfect description. Most of us have terror responses to the sight of our cellulite, belly rolls, pimples, yellowing teeth, grey strands, chin hair, and any other perceived imperfections which force us to go out and buy something to 'correct 'it. As well as thedeep terror we feel when our minds are non-conforming to the status quo of collective consciousness that once again is dictated by the default body.

If you really begin to examine and break down the conditioning we've received throughout our whole lives about what a perfect body or mind looks like, then you know 95% of us fall short. Perfection is an illusion.

My concept of wholeness was always measured externally by the yardstick of others imposed on me, not taking into consideration my unique circumstances and lived experiences of my intersectionality. Growing up and witnessing my mother’s painful experiences of her intersections of race, class, sex, age and disability through the default white able-bodied lens, left me shattered and shamed regularly, with a deep sense of unworthiness.

Though zooming out now; for my soul to fully understand Wellness, I have been blessed to be the daughter of two very unwell individuals; one mentally and the other physically. Both felt powerless to change their states and often blamed the other as the cause of their own ill health, therefore carrying each other on an incredibly turbulent downward spiral into chronic illness. Neither got the chance to ever feel full wellness or wholeness in this lifetime as this downward spiral sadly never has a happy ending..

I know in my bones what an absence of wellness looked, felt and sounded like, it was visceral to me now. Looking back on my parents’ lives, I now see the sea of conditioning from their own cultures that they must have been struggling with before they even came together to co-create myself and my brother.

So going back to the question above; HOW exactly do we wake up out of this sleep state of Not-Enoughness and Unworthiness?

One possibility that feels like it’s working for me is Doing the daily work of Radical Self-love, so that you can start to hear the inner voice rather than society’s shame-inducing outer voice.

Sonya Renae Taylor calls her solution The Three Peaces, which I’ve added a couple of my own solutions to;

Here we go;

MAKE PEACE WITH NOT UNDERSTANDING

Learn to spend time with 'others', people who don't make sense to you and who you share nothing in common with. Who’s very existence challenge you or don’t feel right with. The more we can get comfortable with the ‘other’ the more we learn to love our whole selves, including the hidden and shadow parts.

MAKE PEACE WITH DIFFERENCE

When did Different automatically become dangerous anyway? There was a time not so long ago when differences were embraced, sought after, nurtured and encouraged! When did that change?

A walnut tree doesn’t feel threatened by an oak tree or deem it dangerous, so why is the natural biodiversity of humanity such a threat to us, especially this last decade? This fear of difference has seen the rise of the Conspiracy Theorist label for anyone who seeks to question the one global narrative of Covid! Different IS NOT A dangerous or a threat to our self, it’s the divide and rule colonist capitalistic structures that deem them that way, that’s all.

MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR BODY

We did not come to this planet hating our bodies, look at any baby loving on themselves while loving the attention of you loving on them! When did that end and the body shame and loathing take over? When we started to deeply internalize society’s conditioning about what the default bodies and minds are. When we started to make the outer voice louder than the internal voice. This peace is tied up with the first two, so practicing and making peace with difference and not understanding is imperative. Remember like with baby self-love being contagious when you self-loathe you’re also giving others permission to self -loathe, which leads you and all those around you on a downwards spiral. So, whenever you remember your innate wholeness and self-love, this becomes contagious and will ultimately make for a happier world.

Audre Lorde says it well here; “Nothing I accept about myself can be used against me to diminish me.”

MAKE MEDITATION NON-NEGOTIABLE

When you disconnect from the humdrum of everyday noise pollution that surrounds us and reconnect to something higher, deeper, wider, and infinitely greater than our small selves, we expand and know ourselves as source would know us. We stop needing external validation for our humble human selves from people who have no understanding of our lived experiences. Meditation tunes others out so you can tune yourself in.

LEARN TO LEAD WITH LOVE

For every important decision you need to make, drop down from your head into heart space; from thinking into feeling, then take a few deep breaths and ask yourself In this situation what would love do? 

For as long as I’ve been doing this and trusting the intuitive responses that come through. I have never been disappointed.

Through the turbulent journey of my life, I’ve been learning to once again feel wholeness and wellness through conscious daily practices. This has been a long, painful road riddled with diversions, U-turns and obstacles. Though in recent months,I can honestly say I've been feeling a more permanent sense of wonder, curiosity and joy at the Wholeness of my unique self. I’m learning to radically love myself.

The illusion of my brokenness is fading fast and it feels fucken divine!

Have you woken up from the illusion of your unworthiness yet?

What practices or resources help you to live a life of Radical Self-Love?

Please do share below.