HOLDING SPACE - How to Create Safe Spaces
Holding Space simply means showing up for someone, being fully present and without judgment as you sit with that person through their tough time. You listen fully. and with an open heart, intending to understand. You allow yourself to feel their pain or negative emotions so that they don’t have to do it alone. You take your own opinions and judgments out of the space in order to meet someone exactly where they are, which is challenging. Regardless of if you agree with their situation or not you have, you remain neutral and empathetic. Sounds simple enough but requires attention, which a lot of us lack these days.
Holding space is something I feel blessed to be able to do on a regular basis, with friends, bodywork clients and in public group classes. I know in these intense chaotic times that more and more people need to be held and heard. Space holding is not something that a facilitator just says, but what one does and actually IS.
I have been in way too many unsafe spaces over the years, which is why I'm hyper aware of the opposite and when I truly feel seen, held and supported by the facilitator who is 'holding space'. It's another part of spiritual bypassing, gaslighting and the whitewashing of spiritual practices taken out of context , packaged and offered just for the sake of capitalistic gain. Here in Dahab there sadly are many unsafe spaces, even in workshops that claim to offer the opposite, which only serves to re-traumatise people who have trauma, and worse still create Manifestation from the Shadows..
To create a safe container it is wise to setup some simple agreements that people agree to observe and respect. In fact this is the often missing essential in group spaces BEFORE you can even call a safe space SAFE, is how you set the boundaries through things like Agreements.
After all what is space anyway? It’s the container and boundaries between your space and the world outside it right? The idea is to create and hold the confines of your container ie the people to feel held within your circle/ group despite whatever may arises throughout.
Here are 4 Simple Agreements you can setup for the actual Creation of a Safe Space, that you then “HOLD”.
1. ACTIVE LISTENING
Listen fully with an open heart and the aim to understand; not just what they say but also what they may not be able to say. To actively listen is a skill and requires you to not just be waiting to speak but be present with all your senses so that the person speaking feels heard and understood. Active listening is a 2 way street. This also gives people permission to trust their own intuition and wisdom. This our own internal guidance system which we often ignore or doubt.
2. ‘NO FIXING’ - IT TAKESAWAY THEIR POWER
As humans there is a tendency to want to help others especially if it is someone that we love and care about. We want to ease their pain and help them come to a solution as quickly as possible. Often this is not our job or our place. The “fix it” mentality often harms more than it helps; as I have learnt over the years. The habit and desire to just fix the problem for someone else can often come across as distrust in them to process situations and work through them on their own. This in turn leads to enabling them instead of empowering them. There is Infinite power in holding someone’s hand through hard times rather than swooping in and saving the day for them. This is the best way to raise people up, hold space for their darkness so that they can be their own hero.
3. CONFIDENTIALITY - CREATE A PRIVATE SPACE TO PROPERLY CONTAIN
Affirming that what comes out in the circle stays in the circle does wonders for people’s nervous systems. When people feel safe enough to fall apart without fearing that this will leave them permanently broken or that they will be shamed by others in the circle, or worse still outside of it. When one feels held in a deeper way than they are used to, they feel safe enough to allow complex emotions to surface that might normally remain hidden. If you’ve ever worked with a therapist, you know the feeling that one full private hour for you to honestly and openly express can be deeply healing.
This is not easy work, and it is work. We cannot do it if we are overly emotional ourselves, if we haven’t done our own shadow work, how then can we bring out and hold others shadows.
4. SPEAK FROM THE ‘I’ EXPERIENCE
Encourage people to individuate, especially if they are in space with friends or are in a culture / country that is theirs and different from yours. There is a tendency to speak in ‘WE’ terms which dilutes their own individual experience and de-personalises what they are saying, which can often be a coping tool. Let them own their experience by speaking from I am..
Which mirrors in you to accept them through your own individual lens; to have different experiences than you would; which in turn results in them making different decisions that you may know nothing about.
Holding space is always about respecting each person’s differences and recognising that those differences may lead to them making choices that we would not make. For example, oftentimes people make choices based on cultural or religious norms that we can’t understand from within our own gaze. When we hold space, we release control and honour these differences, then we can feel more grounded in our sense of self held in communal space.
Ultimately, I feel there is an art and somewhat system or signature to being able to setup and hold a Safe Space.. More importantly the safest spaces I have felt in my life have always been from people who embody safety within themselves...
Please remember this next time you find yourself in a space that you dont feel safe in;
Always trust your body's communication through your intuition / instincts on whether the facilitator feels safe to YOU!
A space holder does NOT get to dictate what is a safe space for your body, nervous system and individual needs. Remember while their Intentions always are good, their Impact on you can often NOT be!
If you have caused harm on another’s body, I personally will continually to call you out or in, to show up better and to truly be a better space holder / facilitator.
When you setup a class, course or circle please consider that some bodies - black and brown in particular inherently feel less safe, so you will have to do more to make us feel comfortable and ultimately safe.
Enjoy your Safe Spaces and Please do share below your own experience of safe spaces, receiving or giving!
Much Love xx